It's been a long week. I've spent a good part of it praying and processing some hard truths that God has been showing me. I've been feeling lost and alone. For some reason I seem to keep tripping over the same problem over and over again.
I want to find my true calling, my niche, the place where who I am and what I do happens to be the place that is the center of God's will for my life. Only, God's apparent idea of my niche and mine seem to be residing on two separate planets.
See, in my envisioned niche, I have a church close to my home, that functions as my extended family, where I can plant myself and my children and stay there happily forever. It's not a perfect church (since churches are made of people, no church is) but it functions as a reasonably healthy body and provides grounding for me and my family. Out of such grounding I would be able to exercise my gifts, serve my community, share the gospel with others, and give my kids a good solid Christian foundation. I would always have a safe place to fall.
The church where God has currently planted me is a reasonably healthy church, with good programs for my kids, etc. - but it is a 45 minute drive (one way) away. That doesn't sound too bad until you try to get involved. Toss in a few ministries, a small group, and some fellowship time and you're logging a lot of miles in the car. And the kids aren't old enough for youth group yet. Since God has called me to spend more time with Him and less time spreading myself thin - that leaves me mostly isolated from my church during the week. As a stay-at-home mom of 3 small children with a husband who works many 14 hour days (he's a music teacher, comes with the territory) I get very lonely and discouraged. Especially when it seems that the spiritual atmosphere around me has gotten weird.
This weekend I had a hankering to re-watch the Lord of the Rings (yes, all 9 or 10 hours of it!). and while I was watching, God spoke to my heart. Some years ago, God revealed to me who He sees me as - my role in His eyes, that uses the gifts He has given me. I am His "warrior-princess". Ok, stop laughing - this was God's idea, not mine. When He revealed this to me I was like, "Yeah, right....nice joke, God...now tell me the real answer." Silence.
O-kaaaay. "You sure about this one, God?" I am the world's biggest cream puff. I am 5 foot 2, hate confrontations, and generally am the sort of person who would not say "boo" to a goose. I have never wielded a weapon of any sort and would be likely more dangerous to myself than anyone else if I tried. I hate being yelled at and if someone honks their horn at me in traffic it takes 15 or 20 minutes for me to calm down. Not really your usual "warrior" sort of material.
So for the past few weeks I've been attempting to just live a "normal" life. Which in my case means trying to ignore the spiritual currents that are always swirling all around me (that only others with the gift of discernment would recognize) and focusing on the "seen" world and thinking I am "safe" in my little world, my home, my neighborhood. I mean, obviously I am overestimating my importance to think I can somehow have an effect on the spiritual climate around me, right? Some sort of pre-schizophrenic delusion to think that I of all people should be important enough to God's plan that Satan would send his minions to attack me personally.
Mmm-hmmm. As C.S. Lewis once purported in The Screwtape Letters, Satan's favorite trick is for Christians to either credit him with too much or too little. You know, either we think every flat tire and headcold is from him, or we figure we're not important enough for him to bother with. How crazy of me to think that the spiritual climate around me is worsening, that something seriously sinister in taking place in small, subtle ways in the churches in my city, in the schools, in the neighborhoods. Nothing in the "seen" world has changed.
So why then have I become uneasy standing with the neighborhood teenagers at the bus stop while waiting for my kids? Why do I feel like I am being watched when I take my son to the playground at the end of my street? Why has every church my family set foot in in this city over an 8 month period (when we were church hunting) had some strange undercurrent running through it? Surely I'm becoming paranoid....
But my heart and God's Spirit within recognize what I've been studiously trying to ignore. The battle grows fierce, and the hour grows late, and even many Christians have been lulled into complacency.
Back to The Lord of the Rings..... as I watched, God whispered to my heart that, whether I want to believe it or not - even if I refuse to acknowledge it, I have been pitched into a fierce battle every bit as real the one Frodo and Sam and all the rest were unwillingly flung into. I fight to prove my true heritage in Christ every bit as much as Aragorn fought and thus proved himself worthy of reclaiming his rightful throne. It is no secret that J.R.R. Tolkien was a Christian, and that there is a great deal of Christian symbolism in the story. But what really struck me this time around was how often they fought alone, or outnumbered, how often they were discouraged and fell into despair, how many times the evil threatened to overwhelm them, how they could never let their guard down for a minute, and how each of them despaired even of life before their task was completed. And for Frodo, how he was irrevocably changed, forever separated from his "normal" life by the whole experience.
I look around me and I see other people, other Christians, leading their happy-fluffy-praise-God-Jesus-is-my-friend lives. Singing their songs, and giving their service, and quietly going about their days. The unseen world is safely hidden away from their eyes - they can take what they see at face value. Meanwhile I stand in the gap - literally as well as figuratively - poised with one foot in the "seen" world, one foot in the "unseen". Never really safe, even sleeping in my spiritual armor (how's that again? remember the nightmares? 'nuff said.)
I tried to ignore it this week and got clobbered spiritually - oppressed, depressed, cranky, discouraged, weary. I had forgotten what the apostle Peter wrote (1Peter 5:8) "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour." For those of us God has given the gift of discernment, those words are not just a theoretical warning, but a harsh daily (many times hourly) reality.
For reasons known only to God, He has chosen me to be a spiritual warrior, to do battle in the unseen realms - for my church, for my family, for my friends, my neighbors, my city. I am to be the vigilant one, ready to do battle at a moment's notice. A very few people in my world understand what this reality is like from the inside out. Trying to put my experiences into words makes me sound like I should be committed. If you read Frank Peretti's "This Present Darkness" that would be the closest I could give you by way of an illustration. Thankfully God has thus far spared me from seeing this world with my physical eyes - frankly I think I'd be just as terrified to see an angel as a demon - there's a reason the first thing all those angels in the Bible said was "Fear not!"
I can really identify with Frodo Baggins when he says to Gandalf "I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened." But Gandalf replies, "So do all who come to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to do is decide what to do with the time that is given to us."
So, whether anyone else thinks I'm crazy or not, I'll be busy arming myself with some good worship music, study time in the Word, prayer against the spiritual forces of wickedness in high places, and conversation with those who will understand.
If anyone needs me, I'll be busy sharpening my sword....
p.s. that would be my *spiritual* sword (knowledge of God's Word) just so no one misunderstands
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