...and a time to throw away

I've said before that when God is trying to get my attention He keeps sending me the same message in many different ways - over and over....and over. Yes, I can be dense sometimes - and stubborn. (That 'ole Welsh and Scottish heritage again....)

Two passages keep coming back to me right now through various means - friends, family, church, books, music. The first - "Be still and know that I am God." For about a year I tried to "be still" while being still busy. Didn't work. It's been around 5-ish months since I left the busy-ness behind. Had more than a few dark, depressing, lonely moments - a sort of busy-ness detox, I think.

Now a second passage keeps coming up over and over - the one from Ecclesiastes about "a time to every purpose under heaven". As it turns out, I've spent part of the past few months doing a lot of sorting and tossing - of old clothes and junk in particular. But also of other things. Lately I've come to realize that I've been holding on to a lot of thoughts, habits, beliefs, and ways of doing things that are no longer productive, necessary, or - in some cases - not even mine. One of the things I'm in the habit of doing is taking sermon notes in church. I found a bunch of old notes hanging around (when Connor dumped my Bible). As I sorted through them, I came upon a few sets from different churches. I'd internalized many of these teachings, and yet, as I looked through them - some of the teachings were diametrically opposed to each other. What's more, I sat there asking myself if I even *believed* everything that was in those notes. Some of the various teachers I'd taken the notes on laid out a point of view of certain passages that I realized was completely unlike any other interpretation of that passage I'd ever heard before - and I had swallowed it unquestioningly.

That gave me pause - a very big pause. I started rummaging around in my head and saw that I had many beliefs, habits, notions, and self-talk going on in there that weren't really mine. Again, I'd just absorbed them unquestioningly - from from church, culture, friends, family - like a good little sponge they'd all been absorbed.

So - I've been housecleaning - in more ways than one. Yes, it feels very good to lighten the burden of clutter in my house. It's good and necessary to get rid of things that are no longer used or useful. But - it is soul lightening (en-lightening?) to relieve my mind and my soul of the bits of flotsam and jetsam that have been floating around in there since I was a teenager. My journal's been very busy - and a necessary companion to help me dredge up the sludge so it can be washed away.

I've been amazed to rediscover (hidden beneath the mental and schedule related clutter) music, authors, and hobbies I'd forgotten I enjoyed. I picked up my sketchbook for the first time in probably 12 -13 years. I dug out my cookbooks and made some old fashioned home cooked meals (with actual vegetables that grew in the ground!) I did silly things with my children, like making "pinkalicious" cupcakes just for fun.

I'd been running around, restlessly searching for what I called "my missing puzzle piece" - and all along it's been inside of me (truly, the kingdom of God is within you). I just had to sit still long enough for God to find me.