When a song breaks you open....

Sometimes when I notice I haven't written anything in a long time, I realize it's because I have not too little to say, but too much. How do you sum up over 6 months worth of thoughts and musings that never got written down? Spiritual journeys should come with a warning label. "Do not open closet door to inspect personal skeletons as they will fall down on your head" Or something like that. I always marvel at people who tell me that their relationship with God is constantly "wonderful", "amazing", "such a blessing". Some of these people should come with a warning label too. I find them hard to be around while my journey has taken a turn to "dark night of the soul". Chirpy Christian memes are no help to me right now.


But music is, and always has been. I laugh about the "soundtrack in my head" but many days it's what keeps me sane. About a year or so ago, I realized that I kept hearing all these great songs on the radio while I was driving around - but promptly forgot about them before reaching home where I could write them down. I decided to make a concerted effort to assemble a list of them. I'd scribble down whatever I could learn about each song on whatever was handy or type in my own shorthand on my iPod - many times only being able to grab a line of the chorus to Google later. Slowly the list got built up to a couple dozen songs. Then, technology (not always my friend) intervened and one day my iPod glitched and I was staring at a blank Notes section. Drat.

A few months later, I decided to start recreating the list as best I could from memory (with such amusing designations as "that new Coldplay song" and "song the Black Eyed Peas did at Superbowl" - you know, really informative stuff. Kept listening, kept making notes, mostly rebuilt the list.

And then one day this song came on. It was probably on the list the first time. I remember thinking "Wow, what a great song" when I'd heard it that first time. But this time - I was a captive audience in the car - and I really *listened* to it. It cracked me open and my soul started leaking out. Since driving and crying are *not* 2 things that go great together I had to stop the latter to safely continue the former. But it stuck in that place deep inside and stayed.


Evanescence "Bring Me to Life"

Labels and the road less travelled

Did you ever get the feeling that God (Spirit, the Divine, Life the Universe and Everything - insert personal preference here) was encouraging, pushing, pulling, yanking, tugging you in a direction you not only never thought you'd go, but never thought you *could* go? Almost as if it is going to happen despite (or because of) your best efforts to insure otherwise?

Questions running through my head...

What do you do when the path you thought God was leading you on suddenly leaves you feeling overwhelmed and confused?

What do you do when the choices you made in following this path you believed to be of God are having consequences on your family you never could have foreseen?

What do you do when staying on this path feels wrong, and so does leaving?

What do you do when you thought you were right at the center of God's will and all you feel is emptiness?

What do you do when you try to talk about the problem with other people, only all those other people have a vested interest in your decision?

What do you do when this problem is not one the Bible speaks directly on?

What do you do when making a decision on the matter and waiting to make a decision could both have negative and far-reaching consequences for your children?

What do you do when there is no really good solution to the problem?

What do you do when you recognize that all these uncomfortable questions and feelings could be Satan trying to distract and discourage you?

What do you do when feel like a part of your soul must be sacrificed either way?

What do you do when don't know what to do?