Sometimes somebody else's words express how I'm feeling far better than I can. Sometimes God leads me to those words at the strangest times in the oddest ways.
"Midway along the journey of our life
I woke to find myself in a dark wood,
for I had wandered off from the straight path.
How hard it is to tell what it was like,
this wood of wilderness, savage and stubborn
(the thought of it brings back all my old fears),
a bitter place! Death could scarce be bitterer.
But if I would show the good that came of it
I must talk about things other than the good.
How I entered there I cannot truly say,
I had become so sleepy at the moment
when I first strayed, leaving the path of truth;"
For those of you, like I, who did not read this in high school, those are the opening words of Dante's Inferno. I was at the library on Saturday, with my 5 year old daughter in tow (because she pulled a drama queen face and begged to come with me). I was trying to hurry, because I knew she would stay put at the children's activity table for only so long. After refilling my quota of novels for the week, on a whim I wandered over to the poetry section. I found the Rumi book I went for, and then my eyes landed on Dante. Lately I've had a desire to read some of the classics we, for whatever reason, were not required to read in high school. I grabbed the book along with the rest of my stack and dashed back to where Charlotte was happily working a puzzle. I figured I could peruse my books for a few minutes while she played.
Being curious, I opened up the Dante, and read those opening words. And nearly slid through the floor in shock. A 13th century poet had just given me an existential punch in the gut. Wow. Well, it's good to know that my spiritual angst is not just a product of the times I live in, but a product of the human condition.
I've been coming to the gradual realization that I am tired of being a "human do-ing" and want to be a "human be-ing" again. The past couple weekends I've been on a forced hiatus from church. Due mostly to illness in the family, company, and general worn out-ed-ness, we haven't been in church the past few Sundays. Yesterday I came to the startling realization that I felt much calmer and more at peace with myself and my family than I have in months. I began thinking about what that said about my church experience in particular and American Christianity in general.
I got to spend a hour or so reading my Bible and praying/meditating in private, then relaxed with my family. After dinner I was able to get started on some laundry so as to not be behind all week in holiday preparations. What a lovely, relaxed day it was.
It made me start to wonder if many American Christians aren't going about the whole concept of "church" the wrong way. Why is it, no matter what church you belong to, no matter which denomination you find yourself in - as soon as you offer up your gifts and talents to serve the body of Christ, you find yourself stressed out and overcommitted? Where did we lose the concept of balance? How can we "be still and know" that He is God when we're not even allowed to be still? Why does it seem the church is just as guilty of this as the world we claim to be separate from? Why is so much extra "stuff" laid on top of Jesus' simple command to "Come, follow Me"?
In those rare moments when I am alone with just my own thoughts and God, I keep thinking, "Is this all there is?" Is all there is being permanently stuck in fast forward being busy for the Kingdom? What happened to "Come unto Me all who are weary and I will give you rest"?
And most disturbing of all, why does it seem that I am the only one who is bothered by this? Why am I the only who is tired of all the pomp and circumstance that the modern church has become?
I want to be like Mary, and simply go sit at Jesus' feet - and listen.
No comments:
Post a Comment