An uncomfortable discovery

I wrote this shortly after nursing my family through a 2 1/2 week bout of sickness. It was something that had been building up within me for a while, but the extreme isolation I felt during that time brought it all to a head. One caveat - this is not my normal happy, fluffy musings about life. I actually debated with myself for quite some time before posting it, but one of the things God is working with me on is "dropping the mask." So, taking a deep breath......here goes.....

(from May 6, 2008)

I made an uncomfortable discovery this week. It is in fact so uncomfortable it's hard to put words to it. It began this past Sunday night, after hearing a sermon Sunday morning which affected me like someone ripping a bandage off a wound in my soul. We were studying the book of Jonah and listening to how Jonah ran from God - both his reasons for it and the consequences of it.

I've been running from God for some time now. Nobody would know this to look at me. My husband and kids are cared for, fed, clothed and gotten to where they need to go. I go to church, go to meetings, talk to friends and family. The mask is firmly in place. But all the while I go around feeling like my God-connection is missing.

So on Monday morning, feeling like couldn't stand this disconnectedness any longer, I sat down with God. I asked Him to show me what was standing between us. And as He showed me I suddenly felt like I'd been shoved off a cliff into a bottomless abyss. For His answer was...everything. I'd been running around trying to fill myself up with relationships - husband, kids, friends - and busyness, activities. Even at home by myself I never stopped and let myself feel what was driving me.

But I felt it then in all its enormity - the grinding, aching loneliness - a vast, empty cavern within my own soul. The tears ran down my face and wouldn't stop. I finally saw, with spiritual eyes, that God-shaped hole everyone talks about. Saw for the very first time that even the perfect church, perfect small group, perfect family, friends, life, work - NOTHING could bandage this vast aching wound in my soul. We are all forever alone before God.

And God did not come and pour Himself into me at that moment to fill up the hole. I somehow knew that He was standing there - watching, waiting, holding me - but not filling the void....yet.

Though I do not understand it, I know I am to somehow embrace the pain, with Him holding me, in order to come to the next step in my journey.