Truth, legalism, and lies

It's really easy to write about the things that make me laugh, or ponder, or go "hmm". Its easy to write about cool insights I get from God's word, or from an experience I've had. It's really hard to share some of the deep work that God is doing in my life right now. But I'm not being honest with myself or with anyone following along on my journey if I don't.

This past Sunday night I tagged along with my friend Dorothy to her small group meeting (though God may be calling me to attend regularly and make it mine too). This group of folks contains many leaders in our church in whom God is also doing deep spiritual work. I've been a few times and I know some of the people pretty well from being involved at various levels of leadership myself. This week the group leader suggested we pray over each other and share where we think God is leading us on our next step of the journey. As we went around the room sharing this, I noticed that a good handful of people are feeling God calling them to step out into a new area of ministry or of helping people. It was interesting to hear these glimpses of everyone's journey. And yet, my heart was sinking inside of me. I was feeling jealous of the things God has been calling my fellow leaders to. Why?

Because at this season of my life, God is calling me to hide myself away in him - not to hide from everyone, but to do only those things which He has clearly called me to do and to spend the rest of the time reading my Bible, praying, blogging about my journey, and taking care of my family. This is a lot harder for me than it sounds. I am an extrovert. I crave people's company. I used to be the very definition of "if you want something done ask a busy person". In college all my friends recognized me by the way I used to tear across campus full tilt on the way to my next class, meeting, activity or what have you. My schedule was so stuffed I barely got any sleep, and yet I thrived on it. When I got out into the work force I always ended up staying late to finish just one more task. The common refrain from my coworkers was always "Are you still here? Go home!" I had mentally rewritten Descartes and my subconscious credo became "I'm busy, therefore I am." Or maybe it was "I'm needed, therefore I am."

Then I had a child. But still I was determined to be involved, so I took him everywhere. Then I had another child, which made things a little trickier, but still I was involved. Then I had a third child, and my world came screeching to a halt. Once your children outnumber your hands you need to reevaluate how you're living your life.

There's a prayer that we prayed a lot in the Methodist church I grew up in - John Wesley's Covenant Prayer which has a stanza or two that keep haunting my mind just now...

"Let me be employed for thee or laid aside for thee
Exalted for thee or brought low for thee
Let me be full, let me be empty"

Yeah. Be careful what you pray, even as kid - if you mean it.

The Truth - I am saved by Christ alone through faith alone.
The Legalism - I must prove I am saved through my good works.
The Lie - I am only worthy of Christ's love if I do the "few" (yeah, just a few - husband, 3 kids (one with special needs), house, set design team, personal Bible study, blogging) tasks he has assigned me perfectly.

See. I know it's a lie. And still I believe the enemy's whispers.

And the biggest lie of all? The one that says "if the whole point of being hidden away is to deepen your spiritual life then why have you hit a glass ceiling?" The enemy has a whole quiver full of those arrows and shoots them at me on a regular basis.

Literally, I feel like my spiritual life has run up against a glass ceiling. I can see where I want to be, but I can't get there. I don't know what I'm missing, or what I need to pray for. And just the moment my ADD brain seems to focus in on the problem, my kids clamor for my attention or a household task stares me in the face.

In my better moments, I can see with my spiritual eyes that my struggle is as old as time and the enemy has no new tricks under the sun. My favorite analogy is to liken it to Kurt Vonnegut's short story Harrison Bergeron. In this futuristic world, everyone has been made "equal." The smartest, strongest, most beautiful people have been made to wear various handicapping devices to bring them down to the level of the lowest common denominator. In this way everyone is alike - and no one rises above any other. But the whole world has become bland and boring because no one is allowed to excel at anything.

The enemy is afraid of me, wants to handicap me, make me ineffective. Since he can't take away my salvation, the next best thing is to take away my effectiveness. My head knows this. But my heart doesn't always.

Standing in the middle of my bedroom, unshowered, my hair pinned back helter-skelter, wearing day-old clothes, surrounded by mounds of dirty laundry and toys everywhere and a sick child home from school interrupting every train of thought - I feel utterly unworthy of God's love and not even threatening to a mouse, let alone satan. It feels true, even if it isn't.

I am not sure how to get past this - thus, my spiritual glass ceiling.

Learning to rest in God is a harder task for me than any actual physical task.