Life of Beth=:) (Chapter 8 - 8th Grade)

Some of you may have noticed this chapter has been a long time coming. Some of you may have wondered if there is a reason. There is. I would have to say that my 8th grade year was the second worst year of my life. The worst was the summer of 1992 - I was 24 years old and in the space of 3 short months I caught the chicken pox, had my wisdom teeth out, had braces put on (which was eventually a good thing), and my dad had open heart surgery (which was better than the alternative, but turned my life upside down nonetheless).

That was because in my 8th grade year, I Chose Sides, in the eternal battle of good and evil. I can see this now, looking back over the story of my life. At the time I was merely doing what the other 13 year olds in my Sunday School class were doing - taking my Confirmation classes in view of being confirmed as a member of my church at the end of that year.

Now, I am not going to get into an argument or Biblical exegesis of exactly how, when, or under what circumstances a person *really* becomes a Christian. It could be argued that I "really" became a Christian when I prayed at 8 years old. (Me, I think that's the likely one.) Some would argue that I "really" became a Christian when I had a believer's baptism (as opposed to the infant baptism I'd already had) at Creation Festival when I was 23 years old. Honestly I don't think God is up in heaven making tally marks on a chart. But it's quite possible that Satan is....because that was the year I began to feel the effects of spiritual warfare leveled against me in a very personal way.

An aside: I must insert here that none of this will make sense unless I explain that one of my strongest spiritual gifts is the gift of discernment. The denomination I grew up in did not really teach or emphasize spiritual gifts, especially what some folks call the "miraculous gifts". I believe God gave me this particular gift from the very first, when I was 8, but it is only in recent years that I have come to realize what it is, how it works, and what it's for. The gift of discernment differs from normal Christian discernment. All Christians are to use discernment. But the gift of discernment allows a believer to know where a person's motivations come from - from human motives, Godly motives, or evil motives - to basically know what's driving them. It also allows a believer to sense the presence of the Holy Spirit or evil spirits.

Now before anyone writes and tells me I'm mistaken, crazy, involved in the occult, or going to hell - let me reassure you that mature, stable Christian friends have confirmed the gift in me, I try always to use the gift Biblically and wisely, and the various "thorns in my side" God has allowed keep me from thinking the gift makes me All That. God controls it, I can only pray and submit to Him that I understand how to use it properly. The best way I can describe how the gift of discernment works is that it's kind of like normal human intuition amped up to the nth degree. That wonky "something's not right" feeling that people get in the pit of their stomach when in the presence of a shady character. It's feels kind of like that, only I almost always know exactly what the "something" is. (As I said, the knowledge of what's revealed is always up to God, not me.)

OK, all that to explain that it was during that year I began to notice a funny pattern to my life. I would attend my Confirmation classes, excited and eager to learn more about my faith. I really wanted to be a full member of my church. I was hoping that my on again/ off again relationship with God would become more stable and help me deal with the pressures of teasing at school better. So I'd be all pumped up with faith when I got home from class on Sunday, and then I'd have a horrible week at school, where everything I said was taken wrong and every awkward thing I did was put on display.

The more connected I felt to God, the more I read and understood my Bible, the worse these episodes would be. And then the depression came. And then the nightmares hit. And then the loneliness had me spiraling farther and farther down. I can still remember sitting in my living room trying to work on homework, or reading a book late at night (yes, I've always been a night owl) and being totally spooked out by the creepy feeling I was being watched. Suddenly I was being assaulted from all angles, day and night, and I had no idea what was happening. All I knew was that after a while, I noticed that the worst episodes happened after the best and closest times with God.

On top of all this there was the talk going on a school about how likely it was that we would lose a bunch of our classmates to Central Catholic because their parents were done with the school district's antics over rearranging the classes again.

Socially awkward, wearing glasses, needing braces, smart but shy, constantly teased, and flung into the middle of a spiritual battle not of my own choosing, I was about as miserable as a person could get. I went back and reread my diaries from this point in time - it really was that painful - I did not imagine it. On the surface mind you, I was an ordinary, normal, well-adjusted kid who happened to be a geek. But I had no spiritual support system - my church didn't teach about *personal* spiritual warfare or how to fight back, I had no friends who were with me on the journey to offer encouragement. I wore my mask I had erected very well - it never came off at school, it rarely came off at home. How I wish I had the sort of youth group I see at our church today - with kids who are on fire for Christ and understand what spiritual warfare is.

I understand now why it was happening. I thought I was a shy, awkward, geeky teenager. But God knew the gift He had given me. Satan knew too - I was a threat to him (I still find this funny - me, a threat - I'm the world's biggest cream puff! But not spiritually.) It operated in me then, though it would not be until 20 years later (in September 2001) that I would have any inkling of what God bestowed on me.

By the grace of God, I survived that year. It ended with me finally being confirmed, in my beautiful white dress, so proud and happy with my white gift Bible that I promised God I'd read every day. It ended with a mass exodus of about 25 of our classmates to Central Catholic the next year, including one of my best friends (again - what is it with the best friends here God?), who would not be there as I began my journey as a freshman in high school.

And the unseen battle raged on....