The problem with spiritual journeys is that, unless you are a hermit, at some point real life intrudes. It's really hard to put the brakes on painful soul-searching, fervent prayer, and deep contemplation. It's hard for anybody. But it's magnified if you have kids. It has made for some alternately funny/frustrating moments lately.
Kids are the great equalizer. If you're feeling with it and on top of the world (spiritually or otherwise) you still have to turn around and break up the fight your kids are having over whatever toy has grabbed their attention. If you're having one of those days that make good 'ole Murphy look like an optimist, it's really hard to not be cheered up by your toddler's silly antics and megawatt smile.
I'll have a moment where God has ripped open my soul - and I have to stop, stuff all my emotions back inside, neatly zip them up - and go run to the bus stop to pick up my kids. Or, I'll be pouring out my heart in my journal (or blog) but I'll still have a bored toddler bouncing on me for attention, and a bored cat nipping at my ankles.
Sages are supposed to be unattached holy men sitting atop lonely mountains or wandering in barren deserts. They're not supposed to be moms of busy young children. Or so the world sees it. Used to have this problem in school too. It's not that I *can't* concentrate on algebra and the events that led up to WWII - but why would I *want* to when the sun is shining and the birds are singing and look! there's a beautiful Monarch butterfly over there on that flower?
My inner observer is always at work. I can't help myself. I'll be standing in line at the grocery store and find myself observing those around me and suddenly I'm off on a tangent wondering about the social implications of being attached to your cell phone or what life is like for moms in 3rd world countries who can't just drive over to the local grocery superstore to stock up on juice boxes and snacks.
It's become all the harder to do on this deep, rocky journey I find God leading me on. How does one dive deep and come up for air quickly? I've got many a spiritual case of "the bends" lately (diving sickness) from having to do that for the sake of the kids. Or the house, or the schedule, or whatever. Trying to walk around looking normal while inside my spirit is bleeding. I'm a very bad actor, evidently. People keep giving me funny looks - well, I always have worn my heart on my sleeve.
The best I can do is try to give myself permission - for a certain time only. Okay, this morning I'm allowed to dig deep and fall apart and let God put me back together. Check. Next item on the list. Now for the grocery shopping.
If only my brain had an off switch this would be so much easier....
1 comment:
Oh my yes.
Have you discovered Thich Nhat Hanh yet? _Peace Is Every Step_ is a good intro to his writings. He has a lot to say about 'mindfulness' and integrating the holy with the mundane such that prayer and laundry are a both-and and not an either-or.
hmm, the word verification today is "hasmstic". Is that a hamster with a bad cold/sneeze? :)
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