Avoiding the Christmas crash

Day after Christmas - presents unwrapped, children cranky and bored, too much rich food eaten, tired and depressed, feels like the flu is coming on. Anyone else experience "Christmas crash"?

In a way, this is all tied in to the spiritual path I find myself on these days. It's December - supposedly "the most wonderful time of the year". A time when the world-at-large tells us we should be "decking the halls" and "rockin' around the Christmas tree". But I imagine I am not the only person who, as merchants and advertisers get louder and more obnoxious each year about hawking their wares - who wishes that the whole commercialized end of the business would disappear for good. Who wonders if perhaps those few unusual folks who book their Caribbean cruise to escape the whole thing have the right idea.

As a little girl, I was crazy about everything Christmas. It was also my Dad's favorite time of the year, so I got to spend extra time with him working on Christmas stuff. But I was an only child, my mom a SAHM, and my dad was home by 6pm every night. And we lived in a small suburb of a small-ish city. Pretty much everything we needed was no more than a 10 minute car ride away.

Fast forward to today - I am a SAHM of 3 children (all school age). My two sons have special needs. My husband, a music/orchestra teacher, has a holiday concert week next week. Four concerts - one each Mon. through Thurs. For us, it will be like he's on a week long business trip. Except he will sleep at home. The oldest celebrates his birthday on Monday, and has his own holiday concert the Monday after. We are a very, very busy family and we live in very, very busy area (metro DC).

I began to realize a few years ago, that if I wanted to keep my health and sanity intact, I needed to pull back from what is "expected" at the holidays. A dear friend compartmentalizes them into Christ-mass (celebration of the Holy) and X-mess (the commercialized end of the season). I know I am not the only one who wonders if we would *all* be better off without the X-mess. I mean really - just think about the many, many things that may be on a person's to-do list at the holidays (and it wouldn't matter much your religious persuasion as the whole country gets caught up in it).

1. Decorating the house
2. Writing holiday cards
3. Buying presents
4. Holiday baking, meal-planning (with accompanying extra trips to grocery store)
5. Holiday photos
6. Parties of all sorts (school, work, social)
7. Holiday performances (for those who sing, play, or dance)
8. Extra charitable work (for scouts or religious organizations)
9. Extra services, programs, and projects for church, temple, etc.
10. Visiting far-flung family (packing to travel, or major cleaning to entertain, or
both!

And....that's just the short list. Add in people with December birthdays, single parent families, a bad economy, traffic snarls, short tempers, skeletons in family closets, and flu season - well, someone ought to make a disaster movie out of the whole thing!

I don't think it matters if you celebrate Christ's birth, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, or the winter solstice. Does any of us really need or want this craziness any more? Am I the only one who finds advertisements for thousand dollar laptops, giant flat screen tv's and cars wearing giant red bows insulting?

Well, regardless of whether anyone else does, I've decided that *I* do. And I'm doing something about - by doing less - a lot less. I'm doing the things that are necessary and important to our family.

For example:

1. I will bake my Grandma's homemade chocolate cake for Chris' birthday, and have a small family celebration. Christmas cookie baking optional.

2. I will not feel guilty about not sending Christmas cards - I don't enjoy doing them, and they take up too much time.

3. Holiday concerts will be attended (and conducted, in Brian's case). It's his paycheck and my son's grade.

4. Church will be attended on Sunday only - no Christmas programs, no choir, no special events - exception made for Christmas Eve (if such service is planned).

5. No holiday over-spending. Cash only, within budget. Extended family will have to live with that.

6. Christmas day meals will consist of Special Holiday Breakfast (usually special egg strata with cinnamon buns or some such) and chicken and waffles for dinner. Get your own lunch. Mom is neither Paula Deen nor Martha Stewart. (And since Mom will be starting holiday packing preparations on Christmas night, Mom needs energy to do so.)

7. Holiday decorations will consist of those things which are easy and make sense. One Christmas tree will be decorated. One door decoration will be hung. All other decorations (outside lights, etc.) are on an optional, as-time-permits basis.

8. Holiday preparations will *not* be made at the expense of sleep, meals, or sanity of either parents or children.

9. Time will be made for quiet reflection and family togetherness.

And, maybe those of us with a religious bent - I can only speak for Christians, but perhaps other have this too - should implore our churches, etc. to not add to the burden. I can't tell you how many years I have spent wearing myself out "in the service of Christ" at the holidays. Choir rehearsals, drama rehearsals, dinners, service projects, toy and clothing drives, Sunday school productions, parties, evangelism outreach, extra services. Countless Christmases (and Easters) I've spent sick and/or with laryngitis from singing 2-3 holiday productions a day. In the service of Christ (or so we say.) Perhaps we (and our neighbors) would be better off if we stopped contributing to the craziness and ministered to our families and the poor and lonely at the holidays - and skipped the glitz and glitter.

Me, I'll be at home, quietly lighting candles and contemplating a Light in the darkness...

Brain cells MIA

Ay yi! There are many pieces of advice people give a new mommy-to-be. Some of them I found helpful. Some of them I did not. I do wish, however, that someone had mentioned I would spend much of my kids' elementary years in a mental fog, wondering where all my brain cells had vanished.

Between never-enough-sleep and way-too-many-things-to-remember-to-do I find myself getting ever more absentminded. Waking up bleary-eyed on a gray, rainy day after a night of broken up vivid dream peppered sleep didn't get me started off well. Zooming around the house sans coffee (fell asleep before setting up the coffee pot) trying to get daughter ready for picture day and little son ready for (possible) field trip I kept stopping mid-stride unable to remember which step in the getting ready process came next.

Managed to make Daughter's bus and Little Son's last bell (he gets driven, bus comes waaay too early for little guy.)

It's ironic, though - to say that organization is not my strong suit is an understatement. I've often referred to myself (or been called by friends) as "the absentminded professor", scatterbrained, bubble-brained, etc. I've had my share of "dumb blonde" moments (a blonde haired friend of mine and I used to share blonde jokes for fun).

And now that I'm MOM.... I get to be...... organizer of everyone! I get to organize four other people, plus myself. With my sleep-deprived, overtaxed brain cells. I swear, Somebody up there is getting a good laugh at my expense most days....

Labels and the road less travelled

Did you ever get the feeling that God (Spirit, the Divine, Life the Universe and Everything - insert personal preference here) was encouraging, pushing, pulling, yanking, tugging you in a direction you not only never thought you'd go, but never thought you *could* go? Almost as if it is going to happen despite (or because of) your best efforts to insure otherwise?

Maybe it's the interface?

Testing the paragraph capabilities here.

Not having paragraphs is annoying and hard to read.

Especially since I write like I think. Don't need to *look* stream-of-consciousness too. Hoping the old interface still recognizes my return key...

Paragraphs? What paragraphs?

Dear Blogger, Someone has stolen my paragraphs. If you see them, please return them as soon as possible. Thank you. Sincerely, Owner of a Run On Paragraph

Playing Catch Up

Wow! Even though summer with 3 kids and hubby home always seems really long while I'm in it, it's gone-in-a-blink. And so, evidently, were all those ideas for posts I had. Hard to find time to type them up when one is constantly washing-to-pack, washing-after-unpacking, and sorting through the ankle-high chaos of 5 people home all summer in a small townhouse. Well, we (mostly) had the summer we wanted. Got to go camping twice, visit friends and family, do lots of lazy day swimming at the pool. Did not make any progress on finishing the basement due to finding out that *that* project is a Commitment. One must draw up suitable blueprints and submit them to the City for Approval. And once Approved, one must provide suitable continuous Evidence of Work Finished. Bleah.....that project will have to wait until we can offer the suitable Commitment to it to make it worth the Hefty Fee that goes along with it. So.... school time has arrived! And all my brain cells are taxed verily to the uttermost with trying to remember and keep straight the details of 3 full time school careers (well, 4, if you count my husband's - I have to plan for his school schedule too). Three sets of paperwork, 3 backpacks, 3 lunches, 3 different bus schedules, 3 sets of Important Dates Not to be Forgotten, 3 sets of school clothes for various weather conditions to be sorted and made ready, etc. The whirlwind in my brain leaves me wondering how my friends with 8 or 9 kids *ever* manage (and/or keep their sanity). After a while I start to feel like the catcher in right field - I do a lot of nothing for a really long time but then I have to be ready to be in just-the-right-place-at-the-right-time or else the whole thing falls apart. Two insane hours in the morning trying to get everyone out the door and matched up with the right bus. Four insane hours in the evening picking them up and getting through the herculean task of playing what I call The Homework General. Oh, and figuring out how to provide a somewhat nutritious dinner in and amongst the chaos. I'm trying to get used to my rather inside out schedule. From say 8:30AM to around 3PM my life is (mostly) my own to schedule. But my crazy busiest time is from 3PM to 10PM doing the bus pickup/ homework/ dinner/ bath/ bed routine. I somehow have to get up at 6AM and have enough steam left over for what is, essentially my "evening shift". And when I say steam, I mean Awake and Functioning On All Cylinders - because when you have any kids with special needs (and 2 of my 3 are) you need an extra special dose of patience. I can do patience. With enough sleep under my belt. I can fake Awake with caffeine. I cannot fake Patience with caffeine. So in the world of my inside out schedule, I am planning for mornings (when possible) to be lazily drink coffee, catch up on blogging, take a nap, organize-the-rest-of-my-day time. Maybe I'll be able to finally write down some of those ideas that went flittering by during the summer. Afternoons for running errands as has been Standard Operating Procedure for the past 2 years. It doesn't look like the Typical Mom schedule, I'm sure. But I have come to realize I value my sanity over industriousness (and an organized house). Happy, healthy kids need a Sane Mommy. Just remember that if you drop by for a visit, you're welcome to come in - just ignore the clutter. I'll get around to it after Little One outgrows his need for getting-attention-by-taking-things-apart. Maybe he'll outgrow it soon. Or maybe I can eventually put my budding engineer to work when things around the house break....hmmmmm.....

Yippee!

Testing, testing...

Ok... Officially impressed. I'm blogging from my new iPod Touch. Hooray for being part of the 21st century!!

What could be more awesome than a Dr. Who LOLcat?

One of my kids' favorite down-time activities is to sit with me on a lazy afternoon and laugh over LOLcats. I found this awwwwwsomeness today....



see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Socially Awkward Penguin lolz!

What more is there to say?

Now here is a mom who REALLY gets it...

If you Google around about special needs kids or autism for very long, you will eventually run into The Holland Poem. Go on, Google it, I'll wait....

On a good day, I'd agree with that mom. But on a BAD day (of which we've had a lot this week) I take more comfort from this mom's point of view:

Welcome to Beirut
http://www.bbbautism.com/beginners_beirut.htm

Yeah, that about sums it up.

Fortunately today is the last day of school before spring break and we ALL need a break at this point....

Spirituality and Autism

Ok, sorry - my blog has temporarily been taken over by the topic of autism, because my LIFE has temporarily been taken over by autism.

Spirituality is a huge issue in the lives of families dealing with autism, yet I find very little (on the internet and otherwise) addressing it. For the purposes of discussion I'm including anyone of any faith because I think it's very pertinent to our lives. There are 3 specific issues which keep coming up in my life, and I would assume in the lives of parents in a similar situation.

1. How does my faith in the Divine (in whatever form you believe) help me in my day-to-day life coping with autism and all its various aspects?

2. How do I help my autistic child cultivate a relationship or understanding of the Divine and how will I know when he/she "gets" it?

3. How does my spiritual community support me/my child in dealing with autism and educating others about it?

Upon leaving our last church, I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into a "dark night of the soul." Part of it was admittedly other factors in my life, but no small part of it was due to the utter frustration I was experiencing trying to keep my family involved in church, my own faith alive, and not losing my mind to the crazy schedule the whole thing created.

It was like being on a seesaw where I was constantly juggling my need for involvement with my family's need for down time together, along with the need of a church/sunday school program suitable for *all* the children. The "perfect church" at the time was 20-something miles away. Well...perfect on paper. Doesn't matter how good a church is on paper - if you have an autistic child *no* church that far away will work.

After a 6 month or so mental health break (breakdown?) from church we began the process of finding a new church. It was quite the hit-or-miss experience. After a while we gave up trying to get *all five* of us to every new setting - I became the Scout, who did an exploratory foray to each church, seeking suitability, both practical and spiritual. Would the service logistics fit our family? Did they have people familiar with autistic kids? Could they be flexible regarding Chris' needs and behavior? Were the people gentle and compassionate? Was the setting itself somewhat calm and the process of check in easy?

If it seems like those questions are selfish and picky, you have never tried raising a family with an autistic child in it. I realized that I *had* to be picky in order for us to have a chance at making a good fit in a church. One church was close, family oriented, a denomination we loved, had a great music program, and very active both within and in the community. And.....all children over the age of 5 were expected to sit through service. It worked for all of 6 weeks, I think.

A friend's church was very close, had a great children's program, lots of activities, familiar denomination, and....the check-in process took half an hour both in and out for our 3 children and was overwhelming for *us* let alone *them*.

And so it went -like Goldilocks - this one too big, that one too small, too many activities, not enough activities, no program for older kids, etc. After maybe a year and a half of fruitless searching - we've at least found one to attend, when, in fact, we can manage to get there.(See previous post about when you have a child with autism).

It started me wondering about how other cultures and faiths support (or don't support) families of kids with autism, and how they help those parents address the above questions. More on that in a bit...

When you have a child with autism....

So this is a continuation of yesterday's thoughts, mostly because it was *not* a happy homework night in our house last night. It got me thinking about how our lives (I assume) are so different from parents of only "normal" kids. And this applies to parents of girls on the spectrum too.

When you have a child with autism....

1. You live your life as though walking on eggshells, waiting for the phone call or the email that informs you of your child's newest strange behavior at school.

2. You get to play the "homework lottery" every night - the question of whether he brought it all home, whether he will actually work on it, and how miserable will it make the whole household that night before you have to give up and send him to bed.

3. You come to accept the fact that any meeting, church service, family event, or shopping trip may have to be cut short, postponed, or arrived at late while you pull the strings on the family dynamics just to get everyone out the door in a (relatively) calm mood.

4. You find yourself constantly having to explain/apologize/smooth over your child's unpredictable behavior.

5. You notice that in an effort to expose your autistic child to beneficial social activities (requiring extra time management) that yours have dwindled down to nearly nothing.

6. You cheer for every social victory, at the same time wondering what ravages puberty and teenager-hood are going to wreak on your sensitive-but-socially-clueless child.

7. You inwardly cringe whenever he brings up driving/college/marriage/family/career hoping and praying to God that those things will *be* in his future given his propensity for trying to argue his way out of doing anything and his almost complete lack of self-motivating behavior.

8. You constantly wonder if you'll ever know what is actually going on in that brain of his.

9. You wonder, as you watch him get bigger and stronger and deal with his unpredictable temper, whether at some point you will have to give in and take him to the doctor for medication - which you really don't ever want to do given all the horrible side effects.

10. You fear that the next "incident" he has at school will be the last and they'll suspend him and you'll have to home-school him (which is not the ideal situation for anyone).

11. You are constantly apologizing/trying to make it up to his normal sibling(s) wondering all the while what damage the situation is doing to them.

12. You live in constant fear that God forbid something happens to you, who in the family would be willing to raise your children and deal with all their issues?

13. You hope and pray that you can somehow teach your autistic child(ren) to be independent enough that their normal sibling(s) don't have to give up their own dreams to care for them when you're gone.

14. You find yourself alternating between complete fascination and utter disgust when you hear about new research/advances in the causes or treatment of autism, wondering if a useful and affordable one will appear in your child's lifetime.

15. You get frustrated with the fact that if autism was a condition that was actually killing 1 out of every 100 of our nation's children that people would be storming the gates of government demanding a cure.

16. You sometimes think about parents of children with other debilitating illness/conditions and wonder what it would be like to have hope for a cure, or at least the comfort of understanding the cause.

17. You laugh at all the "relationship advice" you hear on TV, etc. telling you to make sure you have "date night" and "self care" and hobbies, all the while praying your autistic child(ren) will sleep long enough for you to actually get a decent night's sleep before you have to get up and do it all again.

18. You wonder if the world-at-large will ever see the brilliance hiding underneath your child's autism.

19. You have some really great days where everything on this list is null and void because your autistic child just made the honor roll (or other achievement).

20. You have some really bad days because everything you tried in order to manage your autistic child's behavior blew up in your face.

Autism certainly gives new meaning to the old Chinese blessing/curse of "May you live in interesting times."

As a matter of fact, I do get easily bored....your point?

Yes, I've changed the template again. Liked the other but it was so....busy. And yes, this will continue to happen on a regular basis as the mood strikes....

If You Don't Have One, You Don't Get It

A child with autism, that is. Which would be the main reason (in case anyone in blog-world was wondering) I've seemingly fallen off the map.

Now, I have all the sympathy and empathy in the world for parents who struggle with other special needs kids (Down's, physical handicaps, etc.) But there is something unique in the challenge of trying to raise a child who looks (and 90% of the time ACTS) completely normal. Except that 10% of the time his differently wired brain jumps its tracks in weird tangents, leaving his parents (usually me) to deal with a situation no parenting book has ever addressed.

And now I have two. Well, maybe. Connor (my littlest one) has been in the same special preschool program his big brother was in to address a speech delay. We thought he only had a speech delay. Now the battery of (not exactly illuminating) tests the school has administered indicate "problems" we were not anticipating. Really, the main Problem is that Connor doesn't respond to verbal questions verbally. And he is very, VERY stubborn. So again (like it was with Chris) is the issue CAN'T or WON'T.

At home, my little one chatters like a magpie all day long. Does he "tell stories" like his sister did? No - picture him more like an author "narrating" his day. He's a very logical kid, like his big brother. And really, is a child who is capable of going to the kitchen utility drawer, finding a screwdriver, and then opening up his toy to replace the batteries (if I allowed him to) really mentally challenged? Really? The one who, when Mommy couldn't find all the letters to the alphabet puzzle instead MADE HIS OWN LETTERS OUT OF PLAY-DOH in the puzzle's spaces. Mentally challenged, eh? How about - bored? How about - has his own very strong personal agenda? He is a Leo, after all (NOT, that I believe that stuff, but sometimes you have to wonder....).

Evidently, he speaks so seldom at school that one of the testers hadn't ever heard his voice, until she brought out a puzzle with a helicopter (his favorite thing besides letters). And he said to her, "It's a helicopter!" Do I have any idea why he won't talk at school? No, I do not. Do I have any idea why he brings all his learning home so that he communicates with US much better now but still won't talk at school? No, I do not.

Trying to explain to someone what it's like trying to run a household consisting of one autistic child, one "normal" child, and one "unidentified-special-needs" child, topped off with two egghead absentminded-professor type parents defies description. I call the kids my "three ring circus" because that's what it's like most of the time in our house.

I'm sure lots of teachers, administrators, doctors, dentists, pastors, family, etc. wonder why it seems we're always just-on-time or a little bit late to everything. What they fail to understand is how often we're lucky to have managed to BE there at all. How often some crisis or other threatens to derail our efforts entirely. How attending a "family function" like a family church service or kid's concert involves more juggling than a clown and more skill than trying to herd cats. And afterward more exhaustion than having run a marathon.

So I have gone into hiding, of a sort. I've stepped waaaay back from all other obligations except family. Even church. At this point in my life, NOTHING takes priority over my family. (And my sanity.) I really think God will understand, even if the folks at church wonder why we keep disappearing. Right now, these kids of mine ARE my God-given mission.

I can no longer attempt to be Super-Mom or Super-Christian. I can only be me. Still figuring out who she is...

Hide and seek - Mom version

Most moms, I'm sure, try to keep a reasonable idea in their heads of where all their kids' Stuff is. If for no other reason than to prevent those frantic searches 2 minutes before the school bus arrives. If, like me, you have a child with special needs of any sort - you get to be their Alternate Brain. And sometimes, the best laid plans..... well.... succumb to Mr. Murphy and his annoying Law.

This morning I got to play Hide and Seek, adult style. Right after I discovered that Son's baritone horn mouthpiece did not seem to be in his backpack - or, in fact, anywhere. Did I mention his winter concert is TONIGHT? Frantic search in all reasonable places ensues, cut short by franticmaddashtobusstop. Which he caught by the skin of his teeth this morning.

Mom comes home - distractedly gets Daughter ready for school. Daughter gets mad that Mom has to rush her because Mom is still searching for Missing Mouthpiece. Daughter catches bus not-quite-by-the-skin-of-her-teeth.

Mom comes home and begins more thorough search of unreasonable places. Mom proceeds to tear apart front hall closet (where backpacks were stuffed before weekend company arrived), dining room secretary desk (where mouthpiece is kept for usually-safe-keeping), front entryway (where wayward backpacks, shoes, and purses flock), basement practice area (around the piano where Husband and Son keep/lose various musical instrument related Stuff).

Found - 2 pairs of Little Son's missing gloves, 1 doll outfit that Daughter was looking for months ago, one of Mom's books that somehow slid behind the piano, and a whole bunch of Junk that did not belong in a front hall closet. Front hall closet now cleaner. Mouthpiece still AWOL.

Mom realizes that Husband was cleaning, assembling, labeling, preparing Son's musical Stuff for performance tonight. Begins checking all possible places Husband has been known to absentmindedly put Stuff down in, on, or on top of (Husband is very Tall and puts things out of sight quite often). No luck.

Finally, oh-so-Finally - email from Teacher saying mouthpiece is FOUND! At.... School?

Mom sits down to (finally) drink Coffee and ponder the Mysteries of the Universe.....