It's been a loooong time since I posted. Some of you may have wondered if gave up on blogging. Or ran out of things to say. Actually the words have been knocking around my brain pushing to get out, but I needed to wrap my head around them first.
I've been on quite the spiritual journey since just past Easter. It was not one that I meant to go on, nor did I seek it out. Except, in a way I did. In a way this journey has been an answer to many prayers. How to explain?
Well, first you need to know that I am both a very sensitive person and an extrovert. I like to be busy and involved, and I like to be liked. As a younger person this meant that I sometimes had a frantically busy life, but since no one was depending on me but me it was okay. When my husband entered the picture, I still managed to find time for us around all my busy-ness. Then 3 children came along, each in their own time, and still I played juggler.
For the past year or so I've been very heavily involved with the creative team at the church we've been attending. Mostly playing "right arm" to my dear friend as she worked to get her new ministry (stage design) off the ground. I enjoyed being with her, and I enjoyed the work, but over the past few months leading up to Easter I noticed (in my rare unoccupied moments) that I was becoming increasingly irritable, anxious, strung out, and fighting off sickness. And even though God was literally placing Bible verses and meditations talking about rest and resting in Him, I studiously ignored them and went about my frantic way figuring I'd catch up with God sometime soon.
Ahem....yeah.
Over a period of a week or two so many crises came raining down on my head - it wasn't like God letting me run my nose into a brick wall.....it was like God literally threw the brick wall down on top of me!
From underneath said brick wall I raised up my hand and cried "uncle" to God. And disappeared off the radar....of church, of my friends, of everyone and everything except my immediate family.
The next month or so was spent in a great deal of prayer as my family and I weathered the various crises. When the dust cleared and I could finally think again, I realized I was neither ready nor willing to simply jump back into the fray. During the crisis, I did something I'm not sure if I have ever done in my whole Christian experience. Out of sheer desperation for my sanity - I gave myself permission to leave all my "good works" and "service to God" by the wayside. I gave myself permission to skip church and catch up on sleep. I gave myself permission to set aside all those "Christian expectations".
For a while I found myself pacing the floors like a caged lion - restless, still irritable. And then an amazing thing happened. When my restless spirit finally came to the end of itself, I found myself cradled in the hand of God. And for perhaps the first time in my life I realized that God benched me to the sidelines because He wanted to heal me. Heal me of the grace-less works-based mindset that has dogged my spiritual journey from almost the very beginning. Heal me of the notion that a real Christian has to do or has to look like anything in particular.
That sounds like a rather mundane notion, but it was a really big deal for me to realize that I am loved and accepted by God even without my works of service. That God loves me because He loves me and not because I do the right things or serve in the right ministry or fill the right role for the kingdom.
As I let God hold me and speak to my heart, I realized that in trying to find the right "role", the right "ministry", the right "fit" - I had inadvertently left pieces of my heart and soul by the wayside. As I spent time sitting at Jesus' feet, I found that He gathered up the broken pieces of my soul, dusted them off and gave them back to me - washed my feet, as it were. And in those quiet moments began to show me the direction I must go. Truly, it will be a narrow path - and steep and rocky too. It won't make me popular, and many will think I've turned my back on God. But it will be okay - I will be following my Master, and I will finally be whole....
1 comment:
Watch Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood with your kids, and pretend that God is speaking right to YOU through Mr. Rogers. You'll learn a lot about grace that way!
The path to salvation is ALWAYS steep, narrow, and often it's the one "everyone else" tells you not to take. That's because it's not everyone else's path to salvation. It's yours. Take it.
Post a Comment