What kind of light are you?

"You are the light of the world." Matthew 5:14

Quick - what's the first image that pops into your head as you read that? I'm only guessing, but for me it's always the same image - the kind of lamp perhaps that would have been used in the first century (you know, like the kind Jesus mentions with the wise and foolish bridesmaids?)

But during a really low point in my dark musings recently, I was pondering this passage, asking God to (ha ha) shed some new light on it. I myself was feeling rather like a match just before it sputters and goes out - not much good to anybody, least of all myself. However, since I had made the decision to simply sit at Jesus feet and let Him hold me, I let go of my usual associations with the passage and just let my mind focus on God.

Instead of trying to wrap my mind around the Light, or being light to others - I simply pondered light, and lights and their function.

It suddenly occurred to me that Jesus did *not* say that we were supposed to be any particular *kind* of light - just that we were to be light. Well, in our house we have all different types of lights - and they all serve their own unique purpose. Some of them can be substituted one for the other (like an overhead light for a table lamp or vice versa) pretty easily. Some have very particular uses, like my husband's heavy duty work light. And some are used less often but there really is no substitute for them. Like a flashlight. I'd look pretty silly hauling a table lamp out the door on an extension cord to look for something in my car trunk at midnight. And if the power goes out? Well, then flashlights or candles are your only option - and mighty necessary they are especially if one has small children.

I think I've been suffering from an acute case of "light identity crisis". God has blessed me with some amazingly brilliant friends. One friend, a natural born evangelist, has a passion for sharing God with the lost and disenfranchised. Her light is like a searchlight - a burning beacon calling broken and hurting people back to God. Another friend, a worship leader - her light is like those flashy club lights or fun Chinese party lanterns (or anything with bling). She brings the party with her when she walks into a room (and being a musician, she brings the band too!) A dear friend who's been a pastor these past 10 years or so - well, she's one of those "We'll leave the light on for ya!" kind of people. Like one of those pretty lamps people light to shine out their kitchen or living room window when they know that someone's coming home late. Always there to welcome you home, no matter how long and tiring your journey's been.

Since form follows function, I wondered if I've been asking myself the wrong question these past few years. Instead of praying for God to show me *how* I should shine - perhaps I would be better off asking *where* I should shine. After all, a flashlight is not necessary in a well lit house. But in the middle of the woods when you're camping? Well, let's just say one year we took a camping trip and realized after we got there that we only had one small flashlight with us (the one kept in the car) and leave it at that.

What kind of light am I anyway? Not a searchlight, that's for sure. Or party lanterns. Maybe I'm a more specialized sort of light. Maybe I'm a candle in a dark house when the power has gone out, or the mini Maglite that's ever so helpful for rummaging through your tent in the dark for that extra sweatshirt you know you packed.

Perhaps I am meant to shine in darker places than my friends who shine so brilliantly. Perhaps I am the night light left on so someone will not fall down the stairs in the dark. Or the lighted exit sign that points the way out.

Right now I'm just not sure - I need a bit more *illumination* on the subject. Until then, I will spend my time basking in His light, content to recharge.

Clearing out the spiritual cobwebs

It's been a loooong time since I posted. Some of you may have wondered if gave up on blogging. Or ran out of things to say. Actually the words have been knocking around my brain pushing to get out, but I needed to wrap my head around them first.

I've been on quite the spiritual journey since just past Easter. It was not one that I meant to go on, nor did I seek it out. Except, in a way I did. In a way this journey has been an answer to many prayers. How to explain?

Well, first you need to know that I am both a very sensitive person and an extrovert. I like to be busy and involved, and I like to be liked. As a younger person this meant that I sometimes had a frantically busy life, but since no one was depending on me but me it was okay. When my husband entered the picture, I still managed to find time for us around all my busy-ness. Then 3 children came along, each in their own time, and still I played juggler.

For the past year or so I've been very heavily involved with the creative team at the church we've been attending. Mostly playing "right arm" to my dear friend as she worked to get her new ministry (stage design) off the ground. I enjoyed being with her, and I enjoyed the work, but over the past few months leading up to Easter I noticed (in my rare unoccupied moments) that I was becoming increasingly irritable, anxious, strung out, and fighting off sickness. And even though God was literally placing Bible verses and meditations talking about rest and resting in Him, I studiously ignored them and went about my frantic way figuring I'd catch up with God sometime soon.

Ahem....yeah.

Over a period of a week or two so many crises came raining down on my head - it wasn't like God letting me run my nose into a brick wall.....it was like God literally threw the brick wall down on top of me!

From underneath said brick wall I raised up my hand and cried "uncle" to God. And disappeared off the radar....of church, of my friends, of everyone and everything except my immediate family.

The next month or so was spent in a great deal of prayer as my family and I weathered the various crises. When the dust cleared and I could finally think again, I realized I was neither ready nor willing to simply jump back into the fray. During the crisis, I did something I'm not sure if I have ever done in my whole Christian experience. Out of sheer desperation for my sanity - I gave myself permission to leave all my "good works" and "service to God" by the wayside. I gave myself permission to skip church and catch up on sleep. I gave myself permission to set aside all those "Christian expectations".

For a while I found myself pacing the floors like a caged lion - restless, still irritable. And then an amazing thing happened. When my restless spirit finally came to the end of itself, I found myself cradled in the hand of God. And for perhaps the first time in my life I realized that God benched me to the sidelines because He wanted to heal me. Heal me of the grace-less works-based mindset that has dogged my spiritual journey from almost the very beginning. Heal me of the notion that a real Christian has to do or has to look like anything in particular.

That sounds like a rather mundane notion, but it was a really big deal for me to realize that I am loved and accepted by God even without my works of service. That God loves me because He loves me and not because I do the right things or serve in the right ministry or fill the right role for the kingdom.

As I let God hold me and speak to my heart, I realized that in trying to find the right "role", the right "ministry", the right "fit" - I had inadvertently left pieces of my heart and soul by the wayside. As I spent time sitting at Jesus' feet, I found that He gathered up the broken pieces of my soul, dusted them off and gave them back to me - washed my feet, as it were. And in those quiet moments began to show me the direction I must go. Truly, it will be a narrow path - and steep and rocky too. It won't make me popular, and many will think I've turned my back on God. But it will be okay - I will be following my Master, and I will finally be whole....